By David L. Brown
According to our private sources at the Treasury Department, in order to calm world markets by providing a high degree of transparency to the economic situation, the U.S. government is responding to present financial trends by issuing a new one dollar bill, as pictured here:
According to reports a new five dollar bill is also coming soon. It will feature Homer Simpson slapping his forehead with balloon text reading “Doh!”
The treasury also has plans to issue three dollar bills, seven dollar bills and 13 dollar bills featuring beloved all-American spokes-characters Wile E. Coyote falling off a cliff, Sylvester the Cat being foiled by Tweety Bird, and the Evil Witch from Sleeping Beauty selling apples on Wall Street to unemployed investment bankers (no extra charge for the poison).
According to Treasury Sec. Henry Paulson, “we decided it’s time to inject a little humor into the situation. People will all be smiling again as they spend money, and that’s what we need right now, more high spirited, mindless spending.”
There are no present plans to redesign larger denomination bills, but it is rumored that with the new $1, $3, $5, $7 and $13 bills now in the pipeline that the penny, nickel, dime, quarter and half-dollar coins will be eliminated. In recognition of racial equality and the right of women to be allotted special privileges, the dollar coin will be replaced with one featuring Michelle Obama giving a middle-finger salute to America.
UPDATE: This news flash from PBS (Particularly Biased Slander) News:
“Treasury Sec. Paulson is reported to be in consultation with leaders of the world’s largest and most efficient producer of printed money, the National Mint of the Republic of Zimbabwe.”
PBS News continued, “According to a source that we cannot name because he, er, of course possibly she, is a treasonous weasel who has sworn an oath not to release confidential information to the press but who we think is 100 percent trustworthy because he, er, maybe she completely agrees with our biased and slanted views, there are plans in the works to nationalize the US paper industry in order to divert all production, including that of toilet paper and sanitary napkins, to the U.S. Mint for use in future money printing activities.
PBS further quoted Sec. Paulson, ‘You think there isn’t enough money in the system? I’ll show you money! There will be so much money that even the poor bums sleeping in doorways will be multi-billionaires! They’ll be sleeping on piles of thousand dollar bills! Bwahahahaaaa!’
The news source quoted Paulson’s press secretary who remarked that the Secretary had not yet had his meds and pointed out that even if bums become multi-billionaires it will have no adverse affect on their chosen lifestyles. PBS’s treasonous weasel inside source interpreted that statement for us, saying “even a billion dollars won’t buy a Grand Slam, OJ and a cup of coffee at Denny’s when this is all over.”
NOTE: The above PBS report has been fact-checked by the New York Times and CNN and found to be completely and utterly true and entirely the fault of G. W. Bush and his co-conspirators McCain, Palin, Rush Limbaugh and Satan (should they turn out not to be one and the same).
Overseas reaction was mixed.
According to a spokesperson for the Japanese Minister of Finance, “The Minister has a severe migraine and has lost the ability to speak.”
Someone who answered the phone at Angela Merkel’s house said, “Was? Sind Sie spinnig? Das nicht umrechtung ist!”
A spokesfrog for the French government said: “We are extremely offended that the idiot Americans failed to feature Jerry Lewis on their Dollar. To show our displeasure we will sulk for several days and then take two weeks holiday!”
At Windsor Castle, the Queen was heard to mutter over her tea and crumpets, “We are not amused!”
Finally, in the border region between Afghanistan and Pakistan, strange noises resembling loud, hysterical and possibly ominous laughter were heard echoing among the mountain caves.
Star Phoenix Base will continue to cover this developing story as further facts occur to us.