Good News from Our Very Best Friends

By David L. Brown

There’s good news today. According to FoxNews.com, the end of high oil prices is in sight, and we owe our thanks to the fearless leader of the United Nations and those humanitarian folks who run Saudi Arabia. Here is the headline and blurb presently topping the FoxNews.com website:

U.N. — Oil Relief Coming
U.N. spokesman says Saudi Arabia will boost oil production by 200,000 barrels a day to deflate gas prices.

Yes, the courageous leader of the U.N., no less a personage than Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon himself, has bravely gone where no Ban has gone before, into the heart of the Desert Kingdom and former camel ranch to ask the Saudis to solve the world’s oil shortage problem. And he has succeeded! The Oil Sheiks have graciously agreed to increase their daily output of crude by another 200,000 barrels. Yeah! Go you Sheiks! Good on you Ban!

Yes, according to the headline and blurb we just saw, the Saudi decision will “deflate” prices of gasoline (visualize here an over-blown balloon being punctured with a righteous pin). Ban Ki-Moon waves the magic wand, and … voila! … out hops the Rabbit of Unreasonable Hope, right out of the magician’s top hat! Hooray! Thank you Ban. Thank you Sheiks. May Allah smile upon your heads and open the gates of Paradise before you.

That is perhaps how we credulous boobs are supposed to react to this piece of news. But as usual there is more to the story than might be ascertained from the news report. Consider the fact that many if not most consumers of news are innumerate (that’s like being illiterate, only with numbers, not words). They probably don’t know that the world’s oil production has been flat at about 85 million barrels a day for going on three years, or that production is slumping in Russia, Iran, Iraq, Mexico and other places. Only about a week ago Indonesia resigned from OPEC because it is now a net importer of oil! These are solemn clues that should be kept in mind as we contemplate the latest news.

Let’s try to put this in perspective. How much does 200,000 barrels represent in comparison with current total oil production? If you are among the numerate (that’s like literate, only with numbers), put on your mathematical thinking cap and follow along with me. To calculate the percentage of 85 million barrels that is represented by 200 thousand barrels, simply divide the smaller number by the larger number. (I think I learned that in about third grade.)

And the answer is… umm, that can’t be right. Let’s try again. Ooops. Well, it looks like it IS right, and we know that figures can’t lie (but liars can figure, although I swear I’m telling you straight).

Here’s the answer: What the Saudis are pledging to add to the oil supply is actually 0.0023 percent of what the world is already using every day.

That’s only 1/425th of the daily supply! Gosh, what’s the opposite of “Hooray”? And, get that rabbit back in the hat before somebody turns it into hasenpfeffer! (That’s rabbit stew, in case you wondered.)

Ban is pictured making his wonderful announcement wearing a huge smile, a smile such as you might expect to see on the face of a particularly happy angel that just earned its wings or had the Order of Jehovah pinned on its chest. He is beaming with apparent self-pride in having just performed an amazing feat of diplomacy, bringing the world back from the brink so to speak. That must be why he gets the big bucks as head honcho at the U.N.

Hate to break the news, Ban, but that increase of 1/425th in the world oil supply is so infinitesimally small that it won’t even be noticed — except by the Saudi Royal Treasury which will be raking in about $27 million more dollars every day from the oil-thirsty West. Money they can “invest” in building more mosques far and wide and sending more hordes of Wahabbist mullahs to preach hatred and Jihad against we undeserving Infidels.

As usual, this whole story is just another load of unadulterated crap being unloaded on the unsuspecting public by a posturing “leader”. Gee, they sure think we sheep are a gullible lot, don’t they? I say to the magnanimous Saudis, may Allah pee upon your burnoose-covered heads. And as for Mr. Ban, I invite him to go ahead and pull the other one, it’s got bells on.

To further put this in perspective, if oil production should happen to drop by 200,000 barrels a day somewhere else, why we would be right back where we started wouldn’t we? And there are plenty of signs that production is dropping, probably a lot more than that, in a lot of places. It even remains to be seen whether the Saudis can actually squeeze the promised 200,000 barrels from their declining fields. Maybe not, but then, it doesn’t really matter does it? because it’s all a load of self-important bull muffins aimed at lulling us into states of helpless torpor.

Hasenpfeffer anyone? I made enough for us all. Goes great with bull muffins!

UPDATE: It is now the next morning, June 16, and it seemed appropriate to comment on the effect Ban Ki-Moon’s announcement yesterday had on oil prices. Today they jumped UP again, at one point touching $139.89 or just flirting with the $140 mark. The close was at $136.96, up $2.10 for the day. Once oil manages to punch through the $140 ceiling there will be no stopping it from going to $150. And after that? Who knows how high it can go. It all depends on how long the West and so-called emerging Asian nations keep buying the stuff and bidding the price higher. At any rate, the happy news from Ban and the Sheiks obviously made no impression on the oil markets, which are driven by actual supply-and-demand facts, not political effusions of hot air and the sound of plopping bull muffins.

This entry was posted in Age of Oil, Economics, Satire, Irony, and Humor. Bookmark the permalink.